Kill the Pain

I just got back from my first doctor's visit regarding my messed up neck. Like always, there was an upside and a down side.

On the upside ...

When the nurses called in to see the doctor, they were so impressed by my incredible physique that they asked if they could take my stats out in the lobby. That way, the sickly, lesser patients could see how a healthy, virile man should be. That made me feel good. I took it as sign that the rest of my visit would go well.

On the downside ...

I was wrong. After the doctor finished interviewing me about my warpneck (my official diagnosis), he took a look at my x-rays. He held them up to the light and immediately doubled-over and wretched. As his vomit splattered on the floor, I got the feeling that my condition might be more serious than I had thought. He said that for people suffering from painful warpneck, he would typically perform what is known as a neck-ectomy - the removal of the neck. But since they don't have a prosthetic neck strong enough to support my 'enormous head' (as he put it), the only other recourse was a CHA - a Complete Head Amputation. This would result in a complete cessation of pain, but would leave me headless for the remainder of my adult life. I have a couple of days to think about it, thankfully.

CHA is an outpatient procedure - in and out in only a couple of hours. I asked if I could at least keep my head. He said that if I could find a mason jar large enough (or a 5-gallon bucket), he would give me a good pickling recipe to preserve it for posterity's sake.

Actually, wonder of wonders, he said, "Yep, it's a pinched nerve." He prescribed ibuprofen (a 12 week regimen to reduce the swelling), Vicodin (to kill the pain and sell to junkies once I no longer need it), and cylcobenzaprine (a muscle-relaxing, sleep-inducing drug). (I included the drug names to see what will be advertised in my sidebar). Also, he said that I should eat a lot of ice cream - mainly of the Baskin Robins variety.

The drugs, some more chirpractic visits, my new cervical pillow (thanks Tillman!), ice cream, and time will be all it takes to put some nice curve back into my neck. You can all breath easily once again.