MRI

Since ibuprophen, steroids, Vicodin, Flexoral, chiropractic adjustments, cervical pillows, ultrasound therapy, cold laser therapy, biofreeze, and electrode therapy have all failed to give me a reprieve from my neck pain, my doctor set up an MRI for me today.

The MRI machine reminded me at first of a Spanish Inquisition torture device I had seen once. I was laid out on a table and then rolled into a very tight-fitting tube - my shoulders touched both sides, and the top was less than six inches from my nose (claustrophobia alert - Kelly). The only changes they would have had to make it a true torture device would have been to strap me down, tip the tube by 30 degrees (head first), and then slowly add water til I drowned or confessed (I would have confessed).

It was actually quite pleasant. It was 15 minutes of having to lay absolutely still in a narrow tube, but I actually fell asleep - which isn't a good thing; I twitch as I am falling asleep. Since MRI stands for 'magnetic resonance image', I had to leave all metal objects in a locker, save for my wedding ring. As each image was taken of my neck, my ring would rattle, shake, knock, and thump in time with the MRI cameras. At first I thought that was kind of romantic. It reminded me of my wife. But then as sleep began to descend upon me, the inner dork came out. I began to imagine that my ring had a life of its own, like the One Ring from the Lord of the Rings. This got be laughing, which I had to fight to stay still.

I should have the results of the MRI in a few days. I hope that whatever the problem is, it is something dramatic but easily fixed. Maybe my neck pain is being caused by an old shrapnel shard from when I fought in the French Foreign Legion. Or maybe I was the subject of a secret Canadian government experiment, and I have an adamantine neck. Or maybe I have one of those undeveloped twins that my body absorbed while yet in the womb, and it is now fighting to take control. I want the cause to be a good story, not just a compressed disc. Wish me luck.